im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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