yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
