I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
