you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
