best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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