saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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