just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
