I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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