my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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