hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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