I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
