Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
