I am in a vortex of obligation.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
