If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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