sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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