Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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