you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
