Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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