Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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