You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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