New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
