It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
