Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
