all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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