wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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