my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
