This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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