I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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