I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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