Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
