def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
