I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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