My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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