I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
