The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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