I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
