If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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