Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
