I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
