Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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