gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
