Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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