I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
