ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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