remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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