??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
