I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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