you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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