the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
