i just had sex bonerless
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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