I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
